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Story intro: "Birnam Fever"
Jun. 3rd, 2012 12:29 pmI said yesterday that I wanted to see a sci-fi movie where the government or military uses pollen season to disguise a test of some nefarious chemical that turns people into trees. The town where it happens would be named Birnam, of course. Anyway, for some reason I found myself thinking about it while I was waiting to fall asleep, and coming up with a protagonist who is a TV weatherman, and contemplating more overlap with "Macbeth," and this morning I wrote this snippet. It's so completely not the type of thing I write, and I may very well never continue it, but I'll put it out there anyway.
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"Birds do it, bees do it, and now uneducated trees do it." Quincy held back all but the slightest smile as he pointed to the pollen map. "Pine trees, in this case: they've been goin' at it like root-bound bunny rabbits, and you've seen the day-glo green results on your car, your deck, and maybe your TV screen if you've had the windows open." He squinted out at the hopefully thousands of viewers at home. "Yup, right now, you could be seeing me through a haze of piney man-seed. Uh, Malcolm, can I say 'man-seed' on the air?"
The news feed changed to the camera on the anchor desk, and Malcolm looked at an imaginary wristwatch. "It's 11:23 p.m., so I think the young children and censors are all asleep. But if you start singing 'Every sperm is sacred,' I will personally cut your mike."
"Well, these guys are definitely not sacred in my book. Fortunately, I don't have allergies, but, well, I'm not allergic to black pepper, but I'm still gonna sneeze if I get it up my nose. Anywho, as you can see from our lovely red map here, levels are about as high as they can get right now. 'But Quincy,' you say, 'relief is in sight, right? Rain is on the way.' Yes, the rain will help a bit, but not as much as you think. Because like I said, tonight's rain will be thunderstorms, so first we get lots of wind, the better to whip that pollen all over the place, and then we get big fat raindrops, the better to spatter it back up into the air. So for tomorrow, I'm still forecasting... forecasting... Yo, Dave! tomorrow's pollen! Wake up back there! Well, it is late, folks, and, ah, there we go, tomorrow will still be orange in the morning, and then back to red levels by the afternoon, because those frisky trees are just gonna pump out more. And Dave's telling me I've run over, as usual, so I'll quickly say: red pollen levels for the foreseeable future, and turn it over to Ted, who has much-needed good news on the baseball front."
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"Birds do it, bees do it, and now uneducated trees do it." Quincy held back all but the slightest smile as he pointed to the pollen map. "Pine trees, in this case: they've been goin' at it like root-bound bunny rabbits, and you've seen the day-glo green results on your car, your deck, and maybe your TV screen if you've had the windows open." He squinted out at the hopefully thousands of viewers at home. "Yup, right now, you could be seeing me through a haze of piney man-seed. Uh, Malcolm, can I say 'man-seed' on the air?"
The news feed changed to the camera on the anchor desk, and Malcolm looked at an imaginary wristwatch. "It's 11:23 p.m., so I think the young children and censors are all asleep. But if you start singing 'Every sperm is sacred,' I will personally cut your mike."
"Well, these guys are definitely not sacred in my book. Fortunately, I don't have allergies, but, well, I'm not allergic to black pepper, but I'm still gonna sneeze if I get it up my nose. Anywho, as you can see from our lovely red map here, levels are about as high as they can get right now. 'But Quincy,' you say, 'relief is in sight, right? Rain is on the way.' Yes, the rain will help a bit, but not as much as you think. Because like I said, tonight's rain will be thunderstorms, so first we get lots of wind, the better to whip that pollen all over the place, and then we get big fat raindrops, the better to spatter it back up into the air. So for tomorrow, I'm still forecasting... forecasting... Yo, Dave! tomorrow's pollen! Wake up back there! Well, it is late, folks, and, ah, there we go, tomorrow will still be orange in the morning, and then back to red levels by the afternoon, because those frisky trees are just gonna pump out more. And Dave's telling me I've run over, as usual, so I'll quickly say: red pollen levels for the foreseeable future, and turn it over to Ted, who has much-needed good news on the baseball front."
